Epic Culture Clash
by Messypeaches
Summary: Companion to 'Epic Culture Shock'. Shinobi in the Marvel Universe. Here be slash. Suggestions for summary welcome
1. Chapter 1

This is a companion piece to "Epic Culture Shock".

You don't HAVE to read it for this to make sense.

Eventually the parallel story lines will converge in a THIRD story and if you still CARE by that point maybe reading the other one will help.

THIS should stand more or less alone, though. And if you have a passing knowledge of the DC universe (Batman, Superman) then you don't NEED to read the other one to understand the end peice.

It also has quite possible the first Kakashi I''ve ever written who has a degree in being an asshole.

All you knew to know for this story-

The universe of Naruto, Kakashi, and all those charming fellow's has blown up, not longer exist, and the shinobi have landed a bit, scattered.

Oh, and, Remy LeBeau's the one that throws cards and speaks with a heavy cajun accent, Wolverine's the one play by Hugh Jackman, and Spiderman's the one that won't. Shut. Up.

Epic Culture Clash:

_

_

Chapter One.

In a funny way, the politics here were easier.

Kakashi had time to think about this while he swung from his ankles.

For example, the people that had hung him and his... Well, he'd work out what the other man was when he woke up, but whoever had hung them here were clearly 'the bad guys'. And Not 'the bad guys' in the sense that Konoha had always been 'the good guys', but bad guys and good guys in a white hat, black hat sort of way he'd learned about on late night television.

Ahh well. First things first. The cuffs on his wrists had to go. He needed a new mask. He needed to get his feet free. He needed to consider if the other dangling man was worth the bother...

The cuffs took far too long to make a noise against the stones below. What the fuck, was this a well? A silo?

Kakashi decided not to care, and made a mental note not to fall. Well, at least not until his arms and legs were free. There was probably an exit down there that they wouldn't expect him to come through.

Now if he could just remember what bullshit 'ability' he'd been pretending to have. Super hearing? Had it been something imaginary and voice based so they wouldn't bother with his mask? He swung his arms, got the momentum going a little so it was easier to bend and hung his knees to his chest.

Ahh, blood rushing back out of his head. Truly a good thing.

His dangling companion groaned. Kakashi ignored him, mostly because he wasn't sure if that was English or something else. It sounded slightly drunk.

Miserable over sized country with it's vast array of accents. That MIGHT have been 'where am I' but Kakashi wasn't really sure.

"You're at least fifty feet up," he said, stretch, grabbing the chain. Starting to hand over hand his way up it.

"We loose da fight den, huh?"

Ah, yes, drunk. "Just try not to vomit and give me a good reason to get you out too," Kakashi said. Okay, now, he wasn't really locked in, it was just a knot of chain because they didn't think that anyone would try to untie it.

There was silence, and then. "S'dat I don' raise d'alarm when ya try ta get out, y'cannard?"

"See, now I need a reason not to kill you," Kakashi said, feeling annoyed. He probably should have just left but it looked like the chain was over a wide beam, and the other man was probably his counterweight.

"Good looks an' a charmin' personality, mon ami." It was more of a statement than a joke, and Kakashi found himself agreeing with the last part, at least because really it wasn't that bad an accent and-

"Stop that," he said, pressing his forehead to the chain. "I used to take missions with a man who could brain fuck me with hormones, so reel in the pheromones or whatever and tell me why you're useful."

"Oh, _useful_," the man snorted, accent still thick. "Den mebbe da fac' dat I know d'way out. Dat be useful 'nough ta get po' Remy outta here?"

"That'll do," Kakashi said with a painfully cheerful sort of smile in his voice.

Hauling the other man up wasn't that hard. Sat him on the beam and started to undo the cuffs.

Except they weren't cuffs, they were, more complicated than that. "I need light to get these off," Kakashi mused, voice mild. "Please tell me that if you are a mutant you're not one of those ones that need special equipment to control yourself?"

"I got control," the man said. "Got lots of control."

"You got a name?"

"Le Beau."

Kakashi's brain whirled, a moment. Le Beau. He should know that one, right? "You're the thief."

"Mebbe. If you be missing summat', it weren't me."

"You don't know what I'm missing," Kakashi said, dryly. "Here in lovely Iran to loot?"

"I don' loot! Pirates loot an' I ain't no pirate."

"Mmhmm," Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. No gear...

Well, he had the tattoos. Technically he had _all _his gear.

He just, didn't want to use that right now.

Maybe teleportation, that'd work. He could totally claim his mutation was teleportation today.

His fingers knit into a henge. Red hair, long, ponytail long. His mask, someone else's eye. Blue eye. Same facial structure. "From here, best way out?"

"Well, dere's always da vents, but dey be a bit loud. Down at da' bottom o' dis hole, dere's a door dat'll get you fur'der in, first. Dat be de best way from here."

"And whatever you're here to steal, that in there too?"

"Mebbe."

"And it is?"

"You here t' steal summat, mon ami?"

"No, I'm here to kill someone."

"Well, den since we ain't got but da overlappin' goal o' escape, how 'bout I don tell you notin', an y'don't tell me notin', an' we stay tres bon amis?"

"Fair enough." Kakashi got the man's feet free, at least. There, now the chain was dangling properly from the beam, probably close enough to the ground. "Can you get down this with your arms like that?"

LeBeau slid down as an answer.

Kakashi would have been more impressed if, by the sounds of it, the chain hadn't been ten feet too short. The thud and the curse really detracted from the effect.

He slid, and dropped with a lot more grace partially because he'd used chakra, and partially because he'd expected it. "You're a part time X-man, right? Are you going to insist on this being a bloodless withdrawal?"

"Y'a full time solider? If I was gonna do dat, den I'd be tryin' t'stop ya killin y'mark, right?"

"The night is young."

"Can't be later dan, mabbe noon, mon ami."

Kakashi mentally penciled 'jack ass' onto the mental file he had for Remy LeBeau. Well... Okay, it had been a SHIELD file, so there'd been some notes from operatives that had been in pen, and much harsher than just jackass. He put a hand to the door, tapped it. And then, because no one really expected them to get down, tried the handle.

The man with the gun at the door never knew what hit him. The blade of Kakashi's hand hit the neck just right, snapped the nerve.

He took the gun, and patted the man down. "Get us to a supply closet and I'll get your cuffs off," he said, giving the complicated metal a half glance. Bio-kinetic something. Touch based power, and apparently that niggly little mind thing.

"Dis'a way." Half over a shoulder.

Kakashi took the man's pass card, took a long look at his face. Then set him on fire and followed. Nothing was good for chaos like a eventual fire alarm. Besides, the other man was half around a corner and the fire'd take a second to go from chakra-based to fat melting.

It was a storage room, small, lined with linens and restraints.

Fuck, complicated hand things. "They were ready for you, weren't they?" Kakashi muttered. "Hold your hands up in the light, there, okay." He ran his fingers over the metal. "These are nice. Shit luck for you, but, nice. I think I'm taking these with me." They were, damn clever.

"Y'gonna get me outta dees or y'gonna write dema love ledda?"

"Who says I can't do both?" Kakashi mused. Even the lock part was hard to find. Impossible for Remy to even reach, unless the man could reverse his elbows. The file hadn't been clear.

Kakashi _had_READ it, though. Remy LeBeau was one of those loose threads, like Mystique and Logan, that rattled around and anyone that didn't stick like glue to the main team was someone Kakashi might run into.

He had to use a strand of hair, charged and carefully and to the intense interest of the thief. Okay then, today's fake mutant power was... Screw it. Resigning yourself to one ability was always an intense pain in the ass. The metal clunked, clicked, and loosened. He caught Remy's wrist. "Wait, keep them on," Kakashi said. "You can slide them right off now, right?"

"Oui."

The loud screaming blare-blare-blare of the fire alarm.

Kakashi pulled a feeble enough looking collar off the wall and slapped it around Remy's neck. "Good, you can play prisoner then," he said, bringing his hands up.

Simple illusions. Always made people a little jumpy.

Remy was giving him a 'look'. Probably thought he was the shape shifter. Assassinations were her thing, after all. "Dis ting bedda not be habbin bad'ries in it," he was grumbling, pulling a hand out to tap at the metal.

Kakashi hung his pilfered tag from his neck. "Put your hand back in there. Now, you just tell me left, right, left and follow me."

"We go lef oudda d'door, end o'd hall stair well down, wid d' alarm off dey'll be 'vacuating, prolly taking d'ting we here for out. Dis colla bedda not be whad id feel like."

Kakashi gave it a closer look. "Depends. Does it feel like a sixth gen jury-rigged Genoshan collar?" He tapped it, and it clicked on.

He wasn't surprised when the man tried to brain him with the cuffs.

Remy was probably surprised when he ended up flat on his back.

"Listen, prisoner, are these the sort of people that let dangerous mutant freaks run around without collars, or are they the sort that would as soon shoot you than let you walk out?" A haul at the collar, got him to his feet. "Now, struggle, curse, and act like I'm dragging you to your death. For all you know it's true."

The curses were very colorful, even if Kakashi could only make out every few words. Kakashi didn't care. He knew what someone waiting for the right moment to strike felt like, after all. Kakashi hardly minded.

_It_ happened at the base of the stairwell. Kakashi'd learned to pick out Pwp's (People with power) by wardrobe a while ago. Judging by the heels on this woman, she qualified for bad ass, at the least.

He opened both eyes under the skin of illusion at the exact same moment she felt him grip his motor functions.

_I hate telepaths,_ he thought, followed by _most people do. Now kill the prisoner and get me out of here never mind I'll do it myself. _

And because his eyes were open, he saw it happen. And understood it, and it worked, in the same way a blade worked, simple and elegant and perfect and Remy LeBeau's heart stopped, lungs stopped. It wasn't the worst way to die but it'd give him a few cruel seconds to realize it, and that that was the cruel part, she'd done that on purpose, Kakashi knew this the same way he knew that he could just reach out and and-

What can be done can be undone, what is understood can be repeated.

Kakashi blinked. The stairwell was gone, the forest was here, the woman was gone.

It was the forest, his forest, the training forest. It was Konoha and it smelled right and the sky was high and bright it hadn't been called down by....

He'd told a lie once. A big one, to someone, he'd barely even meant to. He'd told her, all pink hair and teacher-what-do-we-do optimism, that a sharigan user couldn't copy a blood line technique.

He'd been lying, in a way. You could. There was no limit, after all, to what you could do.

_I must be in a hell of a lot of pain. if I turn around, will there be another campfire? What ghost will I see?_He thought, not turning around. Just looking up. He could even feel the paperback in his vest, worn, well loved cardboard.

He'd told himself, and others, that it was as easy for a sharigan user to copy a blood line as it was for a man to give birth. You could understand all you wanted, you just didn't have the equipment.

But it wasn't like that. You didn't copy bloodlines for the same reason you didn't roll around on nests of serpents while shoving fire ants up your nose.

Because sane people just didn't do that.

Well, he'd been wondering if mutations where like bloodlimits. And now he knew.

"I wonder if I'll wake up," he asked his past.

************

Reviews make me happy.

Just saying.


	2. The no good, very bad day

The day had started off poorly. Any day that starts with someone clocking you upside the head then hanging you by your ankles isn't really looking up. Remy'd had worse days, yeah but that didn't make this day better.

Getting assistance from your fellow prisoner was a good thing, sure, but having said bastard slap a collar on you took the blush off that meeting. Fucking shape-shifters, thought they'd written the damn book on getting out of captivity and subterfuge and the lot.

Then feeling your lungs stop?

Poor to shitty.

Then he'd been unable to breathe, the woman's eyes had gone wide, there'd been a gurgling sound, pink foam had spilled from her lips and she'd fallen down dead.

Remy'd stopped his breathing on purpose for a moment, hoping to avoid the had-to-be-nerve-gas, shackles clattering to the ground when limp weight had hit his shoulder.

"D'hell?"

The other man was down too, but breathing. He didn't look like a guard anymore. He didn't even look like the other prisoner anymore. He was thinner, taller, with a shock of white hair and a nose bleed. Blood in his eyes, too.

Remy knelt and picked up the gun while tugging at the collar

The collar wouldn't come off.

Dammit.

He gave the man a kick, wondered what the hell had happened while giving him another kick because for fuck's sake he hated these collars. The third kick was on principle and he shifted so the fourth one would hit ribs.

It would serve the bastard right to get left there. Remy stepped over the woman to check the hall.

... There were more bodies there. Same expression, same frothy pink on their lips.

Lovely. Shape shifting white hair bastard.... Was that, telekinetic, then? Maybe like Jean? That thing with the hair and the lock, what had that been? Mind fogging to hide your face, that was usually. That usually didn't work quite right on him.

He went farther down the hall. More bodies. Stealing the palm sized blue shard was as simple as smashing the case open and taking it. Felt almost like cheating.

The security tv's showed. More bodies. Dead bodies in cells, too.

Remy let out a low whistle.

Damn.

Oh, wait, the outside camera's showed a few guards coming back in.

He tossed the rock hand to hand. The exits were....

His conscience managed to get a hand up.

Remy sighed. "Dis ain' d'smartest idea," he muttered, back tracking and picking up the white haired bastard. "Y'lucky I just a moral enough person I don' leave you dere, d'y'here me? Be much easier, just step over y'scrawny ass." At least he was light for his height. Well, he seemed light. Maybe it was just the hair making him look taller.

If he could find his clothes, now... Remy trotted along the hall slightly awkwardly, mostly being hopeful. He got lucky, and dropped the bastard on the ground a moment to get back into his body armor, pull on the jacket. It took years to break a jacket in just right, put in all the right little pockets and holes between the lining and the leather.

Now the gem got tucked into a pocket over his heart, the man went back over a shoulder, and the cards they'd missed when they'd emptied his pockets hung between his middle and ring finger. With the collar on, it was more habit than any proper offensive maneuver but it made him feel better.

"Geddin outta here'd be a lot easier wid'out dis stupid ting on too," he said, stepping over another body, accidentally allowing the man's ankle to whack a door frame. "Y'connais, I c'd just, pow, n' be ri' out de door. B'noo, y' an y'damn mil'tary black ops f'kin bullshi' mean's y'go an y'be clever an now y'jus a pain in m'ass."

The man took the abuse quietly.

**********

Kakashi walked forward, into the trees. The bark felt... Right, under his hands. The air was right, too, not the too dry, sand filled mess, not the strange and stinking air of the city or even the base. It was clean, the way air was supposed to be. No chemical smokes, no mass of humanity.

Blood. There was a blood smell. Kakashi didn't turn around. No point. He was out of the fight, and defenseless somewhere, he was either going to wake up, or he wasn't. And if he woke up, there was a good chance that it'd be in a holding cell, strapped down, getting prodded.

And the people were good at prodding things here, so fuck 'em all he was taking this mental vacation into the woods, away from the smell of blood and the almost oppressively rising feel of a someone taking aim.

The woods thinned, quickly. Because he was running now, away from, he didn't know.

It was cowardly, it galled, and he didn't stop. No reason to. No teammates to go back for anymore, right?

The trees were arms, reaching, but the grass of the field was inviting and the sky was only starting to burn at the edges.

A pain in his side, he tripped, foot tangling in a rib cage, down a steep slope that hadn't been there before, into the thick, reeking muck of the mass grave. You could shut your eyes, if you had to, but not your nose and it was pouring into his mouth he twisted, finally looked back to see what had been chasing him.

Pain. Bloomed.

Between his eyes, like a stab, like a blunt object into his eyes, like a hammer to his skull. It went down his spine in magma like ferocity, burnt out his bones, boiled his blood, taking over his whole damn world until his chest and stomach were spasming and heaving....

"Mon Dieu!"

Bile splashed back onto Kakashi's hands, where they were planted on the floor. He tried to open an eye but it was bright and painful and he heaved again.

He was almost at dry heaves, thought he didn't really recall getting there, but from the ache in his chest and ribs and belly he'd guess about ten minutes of being in this position.

His head still hurt, badly. The worse it ever had, really, and he'd been hit in the head a lot. Someone was talking in gibberish at him.

Kakashi panted, eyes still shut, not moving when the heaves stopped. The ringing in his ears almost drowned out the gibberish but every single sound was still lemon juice in the raw wound of his mind.

A hand on his shoulder meant the owner got an elbow in his face.

Kakashi's balance got throw off by that though, so he didn't block the kick to his ribs properly and fell into his own puke.

Ow. And again, ow.

He caught the third kick, put the other man on his ass before finally looking around.

Too bight, too damn bright. Hotel. Gutted. No,, looted, empty. Probably condemned. Probably guarded.

He pushed up off the ground and fell again. Face to the dusty ground, dust in his mouth.

His mouth?

Kakashi's hand went over his face.

Okay, up, sitting up, tearing his shirt, wrapping it around his head. The other man was just watching now, Kakashi could feel it. He didn't give a damn. There was only one other person, and that man wasn't trying too hard to attack.

A longer look.

"The thief," he managed, feeling the makeshift mask absorb the liquid on his chin.

"D' teif," Remy agreed, then added. "D'un dat drug y' scrawny ass oudda dere, b'd way a' considerable risk t'my own pers'nal saf'ty."

Kakashi groaned. "Shutup, fuck, ow." At any minute this'd drop to hangover level pain, right?

Haa, he could dream.

There was the window. Well, there was where a window should go. He started to stand to look out of it.

"Dat's not da best idea dere," Remy said, catching Kakashi's arm before he toppled over.

Kakashi gave the man a glare that he hoped convey just how little he cared about the man's opinion, and just how MUCH he wanted it to be quiet. Shrugged the grip off.

"Dis place been condemned, see? So dey have d'army hangin roun' ou'side d'doors ta make sure dat d' undesirable's, like, y'know, us, dun 'hang out here and do d'undesirable tings."

"Army," Kakashi got up anyway, looked out the window. He braced himself, pursed his lips.

Once upon a time, when he'd been able to use his dogs much more often, he'd been able to whistle for them over a five mile area. This wasn't quite that good, but it'd work.

"D'hell! Don' do dat till y'get dis collar off a' me!"

Kakashi shrugged. "I'm shit with electronics anyway."

"... y'put dis on me an dinna know how t'ged id'off? Y'got dem cuffs off!"

"Just sit still and try not to look like an insurgent," Kakashi said, ignoring the fact rage was almost tangible in the room. "And the cuffs weren't electronic, those new collars tend to kill the prisoner if they're tampered with."

"'Mind me t'say tank you fa 'puttin id on me when dey move it, den."

"You like to give people reasons to really screw you over, don't you?" Kakashi said, listening to feet tromp up the stairs outside. "I mean, I can barely understand you anyway but when you say things like that, all I hear is you volunteering for the fascinating and short life of a human target."

"Y'like makin a man sorry 'e 'ad da moral fiber na' t'leave y'ass in danger, don' ya?"

"How did I get the broken ribs?"

"Mebbe y's a bid slippery."

Then there were men with guns in the room. Kakashi eyed the barrels a moment, then the men.

Luckily, one of them recognized Kakashi. Kakashi had to take a moment to place him, but...

"Carey, get that collar off of him," he jerked his thumb at Remy.

"Sir?" A tiny bit hesitant and obviously unwilling to put the gun down. Kakashi stared at him a moment, until the young man did as he was told. "Yes sir. Sorry, sir."

"And you? Put your hands up and act sociable," Kakashi shut his eyes, leaned against the wall. "No one talk unless they have too. That's an order."

He could hear everything just fine. Solider boy two, who's name he didn't know, kept quiet. Carey was probably pulling out a small tool kit to deal with the collar. In a few seconds it'd snap.

Carey was good with that sort of thing. One of the first 'graduates' of the training program Kakashi'd helped Naruto build up. Well, helped Naruto polish a bit at the end there. That close Remy could probably notice the man's double irises, or the fact his mouth was too wide. Maybe not the mouth thing, the kid showed off his molars when he smiled but right now he was probably making that serious expression and...

_Click_-thud. That was the collar off, hitting the ground.

"He can go," Kakashi said, not moving.

A shuffle. The man left, not another word.

Kakashi smiled. "Carey?"

"Sir?"

He tossed over the blue stone that looked like it'd been chipped off something bigger. "Go find out what the hell that is, and why Remy LeBeau was supposed to take it."

**********

Somewhere, sometime that night, a Cajun cursed the moon blue.

Author note: I like reviews.


	3. Airport

**********

Somewhere, sometime that night, a Cajun cursed the moon blue.

*********

Kakashi was in Washington before they worked out what the blue thing was. Naruto actually made him come into the Triesklon to hear about it.

Kakashi stared at the floor. Two years here in this weird world, and it was still hard to look at Naruto.

Naruto'd been here almost twelve years. He wasn't a boy anymore. He wasn't just a young man. He'd, grown up, somehow and while it wasn't quite the knife to the gut it had been that first, awful time?

Two years, and he still had to tell himself that it was _Naruto_ he was looking at, not a damn ghost.

"Why was there an intersellar bit of space trash in Iran?" Kakashi asked, examining the wallpaper.

"Who cares?" Naruto shrugged. "But it was there, and if there's more of it? It's like a compass!"

It was easier to remember, keep the past right with the future, the more Naruto spoke. He was still a massive

fucking dork.

"For an interstellar space ship?"

"Yes! A good one!"

"And you couldn't tell me this in, say, an email because..."

"Because I want the other three pieces, but we think that they've already been acquired by your little Baghdad buddy."

"Iran."

"I know. Couldn't think of a cute nick name."

"And what would you DO with these four things, exactly?"

"Have fun finding out."

"I hate the fact that you outrank me," Kakashi said, after a moment.

"Should have killed me when we first met, then. I spent six years telling you i wanted to be the man in the big hat," Naruto said, pulling something out of his desk drawer and tossing it to Kakashi. "Here, picked you up a new volume."

Kakashi cursed all the way to the airport, in spite of the fresh porn.

**********

Remy Lebeau, also known as Gambit, the white devil, and for a brief while Death, was not having a great day.

That damn thing had been the last piece, too. And now Shield had it, according to a source who was as accurate as you could expect the cousin of a friend of the sister of the wife of the janitor who maybe overheard something possibly.

Seriously. What the fuck? And what had been UP with that white haired, light fingered bastard? Another super solider, some sort of hybrid mutant? It was almost tempting to track down Logan and try to convince him that Weapon X was involved but the only way that could end well was if... Well, there was no way it could end well. either he'd end up right, and that'd be all kinds of bad, or Logan'd realize he'd been lied too and the man took things so damn personal.

The object lay, glistening, on the cheap hotel sheets. Remy was splurging a little. If by splurge you meant breaking into a cheap hotel quietly via the window and setting a mental alarm clock for sunrise.

It was a Wednesday, he'd be fine.

Anyway, the object. It was, maybe the size of his outstretched hand. When it was completed, it'd be a slightly misshapen, probably sparky flattened disc. Ripply blue. Really if the thing'd stay one color it'd look like tacky jewelry. For a three year old. But even sitting on the sheet, it was quietly reddening in what Remy assumed was shame at it's failure. Possibly rage at the white haired bastard.

He gave it a prod. Stupid, stupid thing. The whole situation was shit, now. It'd been shit when he'd tracked that last piece down, it'd gotten shittier when he'd lost it, and now it was utter crap because there was a decent chance that he was back on some horrible little 'person of interest' list in some horrible little government building, and someone would at some point want to know what the hell he needed this piece of shit for.

That, he felt, was a private matter. So private he didn't actually KNOW, which honestly he didn't like all that much but hey, it was what he DID, right?

Prod, hate, prod, hate.

It wasn't a very complicated mental exercise.

Fine. He'd call the guy, then, and see about handing over what he HAD. Then see about getting that last piece back.

Maybe kicking that scrawny white haired bastard's ass in the process. Yeah. That'd be a nice bonus, blow the smart-ass up.

******

Sometimes, rarely, the universe looks down on you and smiles.

And other days it _goes_ down on you, and smiles after with jizz on its chin.

Metaphorically.

Kakashi was having trouble believing his luck.

A month spent looking really damn hard for the guy, and the man just... Was THERE.

Kakashi wasn't even wearing an illusion. It was an airport. He put on a medical mask and a white plastic eye patch and waved his id's at the guards and meandered through at airports. It was a sheild perk, up there with never paying for parking tickets ever and making up things to put on his expense report to justify pay-per-veiw porn.

_Not just a blow job. A good one. With humming and a finger or three and maybe an extra girl there for nipple duty...._ Kakashi thought, staring at the back of Remy Lebeau's head. He recognized the head. And the shitty jacket.

It certainly wasn't as nice as _Kakashi's_ jacket.

Kakashi stuck his hands in his pockets, fished out his porn and tucked his nose in. Sidled to the check in counter while the arrogant bastard slide past security. "Hi, miss?" he pulled out the right I.D. without looking. "I'd like to change my seats. Did you check that man in?"

"Yes sir," she started.

Kakashi grinned, eye a perfect crescent. "_Excellent_!"

****


	4. Airplane! PhD in PrICk

"Cherie, n'dat d'planes started c'ye ge me a'nudder?" Remy asked, half sideways in his seat and waving an empty plastic cup at the stewardess. It wasn't quite a full flight, he had the space next to him to fill as well. A nice, novel change from his last airplane ride yesterday. Ten hours in the cargo hold hoping that his slap-dash translation had been right and the damn thing would stay pressurized.

"Oh, I think he's had enough," Kakashi murmured, sidling around the drink cart and pushing Remy' leg out of his way before sitting. "You can keep going. We won't need much for a while. Isn't that right, le Diable Blanc?" He smiled. "I've met demons. They're harder to catch than you."

Remy didn't talk, trying to decide, quickly, if this was 'we caught you now we drag you to jail' talk, 'we caught you now you die' talk or 'tell us what we want to know' talk.

Probably a combination of all three. Strangers who bossed around soldiers and didn't even ping on anyone's radar generally didn't fall under the classification of 'nice person', unless there was a 'not a very' in front of it.

... if he just blew a hole in the plane he'd be really dead. So would most of the passengers. And maybe the white haired bastard.

"Y'keep usin m'pet names, and I got nothin d'call y back," he said, smiling instead because it was easy, so easy to be charming. Even if it didn't work, it was better than begging. He had a reputation, after all. "Y'got one or y'onna dem number's dey like?"

"Hmm? I have a number. Zero-niner-seven-two-zero. I have a name, too," Kakashi leaned back, relaxing. "Hatake."

That was a weird ass name. Probably fake. Once he got out of this, he'd try to look it up anyway.

"Das unique, mon ami."

"Is that even English?"

"S' N'awlens patois wid some ex'ra french."

"I've been to France. Even the drunken retards there can manage their T's," Kakashi said. He pushed the little button and the seat clunked back half an inch.

"F'ck ya," he replied, watching Kakashi kick at the foot rest until it creeped down. There was the vague feeling that the conversation was heading in the wrong direction. This wasn't usually how it went. Usually there was at least one threat by now, maybe a gun in your ribs. "I can spit out m' t's iffen I need to, Hatake."

Kakashi made a slightly muted noise that for no real reason made Remy's eye twitch. It wasn't impressed, or dismissive just. Uncaring. Almost a 'meh'.

"S'fuck ya," Remy repeated. He was not sulking. He wasn't. He was plotting his escape, yes.

"Well, even monkeys can tie shoes."

"I ain' no monkey, ya'croc f'kin numba' man, " Remy'd never made a plastic dixie cup sizzle like that before, jaw tight behind the smile.

"Anyone with as dire a track record as yours has no call to insult my love life," Kakashi said. "That croc has never betrayed me."

He could, Remy thought, shove the cup into the man's lap and detonate it. Blow his dick clean off, let him bleed out through those big arteries in the thighs. "Y'gonna die fa' dat one, cher, soon's dis plane's on da 'groun',"

"You'll try to blow me up, I'm sure," Kakashi said. He patted his chest, and fished out the glittering blue shard. "You might even think you've succeded. Everyone else will. You'll wonder, though, then you'll pat the body down, and you'll take this. You'll combine it with the other pieces, I'm sure. Even though you wouldn't bet your life that this is the same piece I took from you. And then, you'll deliver it." He put the thing away carefully, and pulled out some headphones. "I missed what the in-flight movie's supposed to be, did you catch it?"

Remy stared. "Y'tink y'can tell me dat, an' den I'll wan dat damn bi'da glass?"

"Yes, I think you do. Because, you're thinking, can they really copy that? If they could, then why would your buyer need the original? He could just a get a competent thief to steal a duplicate once production started. And Production would start. Do you even know what this is? No, of course you don't."

"Be alien. Pard a' da cockpid," Remy said. What? He'd tried to figure it out since Iran.

"Keep spitting out those T's."

"Tit headed twat f'king shit eatin' son of a bitch."

Kakashi snorted. "Not bad."

"An y'gonna say no drink's fa' me? Whada bou' da pissroom, den?"

"You can go drain your lizard," Kakashi said, chuckling. "And you can even reach into the overhead and get the other pieces out of your carry on. In fact, let me do that for you," he stood up, putting a knee on the arm rest between them.

"Mabbe I checked dah in," Remy said. He could punch the man in the groin from here, dammit. it didn't look like he was wearing a cup, just black pants, and a complicated belt buckle.

A really complicated belt buckle. The sort that probably had concealed stuff in it, almost clock work. In fact, if Remy looked, he could just about work out what you'd have to push too make it...

"If you're going to stick your nose in my belt buckle, you could at least open your mouth while you're down there."

There was an audible CLICK as Remy's teeth snapped together jaw tightening. His eyes were probably glowing, it was a damn miracle that no one else on the plane was panicking yet.

More than a miracle. "Y'a mind reada?" Telepath, maybe, keeping everyone calm? He'd killed all those people, before.

"Not even a little," Kakashi said. "But I have a fabulous crotch, it's no surprise that you're enthralled."

"I mean da no one on dis damn plane's inna panic!" Remy squawked. Or he would have, if he'd been the sort to squawk.

Kakashi sat down, holding the box with the rest of the device and unwrapping it. "Toilet paper? You wrapped it in toilet paper?"

Remy didn't answer. He had a deck of cards out now and was shuffling it hand to hand. He might survive a plane crash into the sea. You never knew, might be worth it to try. "Yputting it together now?"

"Yep."

"Ain' concerned abou' whad id'll do?"

"Nope."

"Nod even if-" Remy started.

Kakashi cut him off. "From here I can shove a five inch blade between the fourth and fifth ribs, angle it up, and cut your heart more or less in half. You'll have maybe a second to feel yourself die. In that second, I assume you could detonate the chair you're in as a sort of petty attempt to take me with you but, and here's the good part, I'd all ready be at the other side of the plane. You'd get sucked out over the ocean, and might even feel your ears rupture right as you die. You certainly won't recall falling, or hitting the water."

"Y' be da worse' single servin' friend I eva..."

Kakashi grinned. "I love that movie."

"Yer jus' sidden' dere workin' ou' ways da kill me?"

"You're a thief, reputation for running from fights if you can. You're thinking of how to steal this back and get the hell out of here. What do you think I do for a living, based on what I think about then?"

"Bas'dard's a career now den?"

"I have a masters degree," Kakashi murmured. "Working on my graduate courses, only a few unit's short. Interested in being my thesis?"

The pieces clicked, glowed, pulsed slowly.

Kakashi held it out. "Wanna touch it?"

"Non..."

"Coward."

"Havin a damn bit o commen sense d'not a coward make," Remy snapped.

"It's not hurting me," Kakashi said, wriggling his fingers. "Kinda tingles."

"Y'a freak, mon ami."

"Says the mutie."

Remy paused in his shuffling, looked at the top card. Four of clubs? Well, there were worse cards. "An y'saying y' ain't?"

"Nope, I'm different," Kakashi said. "Genetically, socially, rank wise. I.Q. too, I imagine."

The four of clubs sizzled a little and Remy found himself almost growling through his teeth.

Kakashi laughed gently and put the object into the pouch on the back of the seat in front of him. "You can order your drink now, if you want. I'll flag down the stewardess. She's going to be able to really see us again, though, so you might want to stop making your card's sizzle."

"D'hell are you?"

"I'm a Jounin. It's Genin, Chunnin, Special Jounin, Jounin, Anbu, then Kage, try to keep it straight," Kakashi said. "Hatake Kakashi, Jounin, Zero-niner-seven-two-zero. Have fun Googleing that, you might find a blog."

"Y'go a blog?" Remy had to pause in his shuffling to stare.

"I write erotica when I'm bored," Katake said. "I'm bored a lot, and I can post from my phone. I may write some now if you're just going to be dull at me."

"Dull?"

"You keep repeating things back at me."

Remy's mouth opened, snapped shut again. "Jounin's d'middle?"

"It's a little bit, exponential. Power of, say, five as you move along but yes, Jounin's the middle. Special Jounin's almost tied, really it just means there's a specialty involved."

"Y'tellin me an awful lot."

"Ahh, so you have a brain and you can use it," Kakashi gave Remy's knee a pat in a way that oozed smarm. "I'm not going to kill you."

"But y'seem t'think y'can."

"Oh, I'm good enough to _kill_ you. That's not hard. I'm good enough not too, though and I bet you haven't met as many people that good."

"Met enough."

"Ah, yes well. I've never been a professional guina pig, but torture I'm familiar with. I suppose the difference is that when you're being tortured for information, they still think you're sentient being."

"Givin' or receivin?"

"_And_. Not 'or'. _And,_" Kakashi was pulling out a phone now, one with a keyboard. Clickclick, fast, text starting to fill up the screen.

Remy stared at Kakashi for almost a full two minutes before raising an arm. "Cherie? Member dat drink y'offered back a while ago? Gonna need a few mo o'does."

The stewardess was more than happy to oblige, even if her face showed that she was puzzled that she had failed to notice the very odd looking gentlemen on her plane.

"Bring two." kakashi said without looking up.

Click. Click. Click.

Remy nursed down the first sip, then downed it and got a second. Then a third. It was halfway through the fourth that he leaned over and looked at the tiny glowing screen. It wasn't as it Kakashi was trying to hide it.

Remy read it and stared. Read it again. There was more when he got to the bottom. It wasn't just porn. He'd expected porn. Hell, five drinks he'd HOPED for porn. But he hadn't been ready to find not only porn, but porn with a thinly disguised him in it.

"Dark eyed boy?!?!" he squawked, rising from the seat. Almost levitating, really, what was left of his drink hitting some businessmen in the back of their heads.

"Hmm?" Kakashi looked over, fingers still moving.

Click. Click. Click. People were staring.

But Remy couldn't stop now. "An fuck you! My dick be more den a han'ful!!!" he heard himself yelling, almost as If from a distance. "-n you ain' packing no pyt'on!!!"

Kakashi's fingers finally slowed. "Maybe not a Burmese," he said after a moment. "but I do have a nice cock, and with pants as tight as yours are unless you're tucking and taping, I think I'm right. Going to prove me wrong?"

"Sir! Please sit down!" A stewardess was hissing as politely as possible, reaching over Kakashi's head to tap Remy on the arm. Remy stared at her then at Kakashi.

Kakashi was typing again. If Remy leaned down and read, he got an eyeful of 'Thief' bent over a tiny airline sink, legs spread while Scarecrow fucked him. He was not, and this was important, the sort of man who mewled like a bitch.

"Sir," she was repeating as the business men started to rise, looking disgruntled.

Remy didn't give a shit about them. The air marshal, on the other hand. Oh, sure he was undercover but Remy has picked out that haircut and that tell-tale buldge.

"Jus' startled," he said, smiling his best damn smile, laying it on thick as jam. "Sorry 'bout dat. y'send me d'cleaning bill, you got da? Wen we be landin' okay?" Real damn thick. Everyone seemed to settle down. Remy was hoping that he'd get another drink but he was doubting the odds of that. And Kakashi kept typing.

Remy didn't even know what the hell to make of that. He tried to ignore it, but it was hard. Impossible, really. Words like thrust and moan and grind kept popping up as if highlighted. Remy shut his eyes. "Y'a bastard."

"No, Hatake is the family name on my father's side. He did marry my mother."

"Well den y'ascend da usual definitions of bastard, ya croc fucker."

"Thank you."

"Don' soun' so damn. Happy aboud it!!!" Remy spat.

Kakashi held out his still full glass. "Have a drink. Calm down. Relax. It's not like anyone but you knows that I'm writing about you. Everyone else will just think it's another one of my erotic fantasy tales."

Remy took the drink. There didn't seem to be too much else he could do. Well, he did take the gem back too, quietly.

He held it in his hands a moment, pocketed it, then moved it discreetly to a different pocket. Then tried to work out what the hell the man next to him was playing at.

Remy'd been around a while, dammit. He'd been good at reading people since he'd learned to tie his own shoes and qualify as people himself and even then he'd bet money he'd been a cute baby.

And Kakashi gave him a head ache. He'd met sadists, god-complex scientists, anti mutant fundies, pro-mutant fundies, dark gods, idealists, just-following-orders-soilders, old warhorses, wheelers, dealers, rednecks, thieves, queers, dykes, masochists, fruits, loops, jackasses, tight asses, assholes and methodists.

Remy couldn't quite, label Kakashi in a way that made him easier to deal with. Fucking infuriating was looking good, but it didn't give him anyway to _deal_ with the man. "I don 'make da' noise," he snapped. "Ya use d'word mewl fo' times now, y'hack."

Kakashi paused scrolled up. "Twice. I've used it twice."

"Don' use id ad all!" Remy hissed.

"You don't mind the fact I'm writing about you taking it so much as the fact you're not, ahem, taking it like a man?" Kakashi's smile wasn't even visible, but Remy KNEW it was there and he wanted to punch it till it went away. "What noise do you usually make, then?"

"I d'ge bend over, so I d'make any sorda noise," Remy said, crossing his arms. Staring raw hate at the seat in front of him. "D'femme's, dey mewl f'me. Non o dis', wha y'got."

"That's disappointing. I had you pegged as more flexible than that," Kakashi said with a mournful tone that had better be put on. "I suppose this'll just stay a fantasy, then. Shame. According to your file you're double jointed, and that's always fun in close quarters."

Click. Click.

Remy stared at the man. "What," he started, then stopped, then felt his skin crawl a little, then that stopped too, because, really-

"Maybe I'm being too subtle. Would you like to have sex?"

Kakashi was bored now.

Remy'd spent the rest of the flight staring out the window like he was measuring the distance to the ground, and Kakashi had let him dart off in the confusion of landing.

They'd landed sooner rather than later after Remy'd gotten up to use the restroom, and Kakashi was quite certain the man had tossed something small and charged into the vents to cause that smoke.

Kakashi didn't mind that. That was interesting. THIS, this now, this was dull. Remy'd spent almost two full weeks weaving, back tracking, laying false trails, checking and rechecking his clothes for tracking devices. Hell, the item itself, blue and shimmering, was currently tied to a cell phone jammer in a leather suitcase lined with lead.

Clever. And cute.

But ultimately....

"He's on the move, boss," Pakkun voice crackled a little.

Kakashi smiled. He loved radios. They made them so small now, you could fit one on a dog collar. They even made ones that broadcasted in a frequency too high for humans to hear. Oh, Pakkun spoke in English, but he was there, he knew when to shut up and go 'woof woof', but Kakashi could relay orders OUT constantly.

There was a low wuffle in the back round. "And numb nuts here needs to take a leak."

"Tell him to mark a tree."

"C'mon, boss he's too well trained for that. He wants to go to the park over there."

"Fine, but if he shits he needs to leave it on the grass. It drew a crowd when he got that newspaper and curbed it last time."

"On it, boss. He's got a throw away phone now."

"Excellent. He's reaching out," Kakashi finished his coffee and folded up the paper, left it on the bench. "Get me that phone if he tosses it."

"Yes'sir."

"And Pakkun?"

"Yes'sir?"

"Stop with the Uncle Tom impersonation."

"You're just pissed the bitch isn't being receptive."

Kakashi pursed his lips and let out a shrill whistle that made both Pakkun and the tall, rangy wolfhound next to him flinch.

Then he started walking, lazily. The sun felt good on his bare face.

Well. Technically, 'her' bare face. Funny how some mental blocks worked. The thought of being maskless and himself in public would have caused a sort of mental breakdown, at the very least his pants would be missing a leg, or his shirt would be six inches shorter.

But as 'Kakasho' (which, incidentally, was a stupid name and he needed to make up a new one, damn Naruto) he didn't care as much. Maybe it was the lipstick, maybe it was the fact he knew his jaw was different, but Sexy no Jutsu was it's own mask. Even if it sorta wasn't. The hair was a give away no matter what shape he took, and some deep stripe of pride that ran contrary to his mask issues wouldn't let him alter it.

Well, not the _color_. The length? It currently went all the way to 'her' ass in a ponytail. Kakahsi was pretty sure he could choke someone to death with it. Which was really, kinda nifty.

'She' shifted to jogging, a slow pace because tits were incredibly painful things when you shook them, which meant everything he'd seen on cable had been a fucking lie. Kakashi supposed buying a bra'd fix the whole thing but that seemed. Excessive. If faster was needed, it'd be simpler to go back to male. Maybe it wasn't the most, subtle appearance Kakashi could choose but sunglasses hid his eyes, and shocking white hair was a fashion choice on girls whereas it just made people confused about his age as a male.

Naruto had told him it was very Warhol like, and Kakashi had take a few days to decide if being compared to a painter of soup cans was a compliment or not. Naruto had said it sincerely enough but Naruto had gotten an extra decade to learn deceit.

"Bossman?" Pakkun said. The cheeky dog had tried 'headbitch' the other day and gotten a little rundown on this process known as neutering. Male pronouns had returned in force.

"Don't worry, Pakkun. I have him now."

Beside, with the mask down, he could let his nose work properly and while it was a bit overwhelming in a city like this? The thief was a distinct ribbon in the air, bourbon and leather, sizzling ozone. It was a learned scent, after that time on the plane.

Kakashi smiled. Life was good, there were agents on standby if things when all pancake shaped, and it was a beautiful day.

*********One week later********

Naruto stared at the middle distance over the hospital bed. "And what, sensei," he said, finally, "the fuck happened?"


End file.
